Flying from Dallas to Chicago to Detroit
The bathrooms at DFW are usually bad. It also depends on which one you go to. If it' a high traffic area then usually it's relatively clean but you just don't know. The most annoying part about trying to use the restroom at DFW are that the door open in. I don't have to tell you what a pain in the ass that is. I can't imagine someone who isn't so fortunate and has a larger chair then me. I can barely fucking fit!
DFW mikeagimp rating: 3 out of 5
AA mikeagimp rating: 3 out of 5
My flight was delayed leaving Dallas because of rain so of course I missed my connecting flight in Moline. Which ehh, I'm on vacation, what do I care. Especially because as soon as we landed a girl met me at the plane door and told me she had already worked out my flight on another airline and everything was good to go. They transferred my bag for me and even gave me a direct flight going home. Because the airport is pretty small, all attendants were pretty damn nice. They didn't have much to stress about with only a few gates.
The bathrooms at MLI were the best I can remember. They were very clean and the accessible stalls were pretty big. The door opened outward which is always a bonus AND the toilet seats had those fucking nifty plastic guards. Seat condoms or whatever you call ‘em which is nice for germ defense. However, they work against my terrible trunk strength because my ass sweats like an albino in the African desert. So I usually spend a minute or two stabilizing myself so I don't fall into the abyss.
The only bad thing I have to say about this leg of the trip was that I crawled to my seat because the people in the green vests (like the green an elf would wear, not that anyone in particular was or looked like an elf, well ... maybe one) were too slow and I get antsy so I'm like fuck this, I have no shame, I'll crawl and show the rest of the crew my hairy, boney ass. They of course only try and stop me once before thinking yeah, please, get the fuck off so we can switch to our next flight. They watched in aw. Oh and then when we landed at ORD, we didn't pull up to a gate, we just stopped twenty or so feet away. So I had to crawl down stairs which wouldn't be so bad had they not been covered in damn grip tape. That shirt hurts my hands and tears up my clothes. But oh well, I'm on vacation eh!
Once in the airport, I could not find the fucking elevator to get to baggage claim. Luckily the mean green were pushing someone else down there so I latched on to the back of the pack and followed them to a barely labeled elevator. I would have never found it on my own.
MLI mikeagimp rating: 4 out of 5
Delta mikeagimp rating: 3 out of 5
ORD mikeagimp rating: 2 out of 5
The bathrooms at ORD are not too bad either. In fact, I had to make a mad dash to one near the ticket counter because of all the drinking this weekend. Swhoo, my asshole erupted like a Chinese firecracker. The poor janitor had just finished cleaning the accessible stall so with every explosion I winced in comfort and fear of him making me clean the damn toilet afterwards. I barely made it out of the door (which opened outward) before he was leaning in to check the damage. I could not even look him in the eye. I knew it was bad. These seats also had the condoms on them, which reminds me, what's the etiquette there, after your done do you wave your hand by the sensor so it rotates around or do you leave that task for the next abuser? I tend to leave my slippery, ass hair tainted wrapper because I don't want to be wasteful and wave my hand only to have the next guy do the same, thus a clean one is wasted.
The flight was continually delayed for about two hours so the group of flyers grew more unhappy as the minutes ticked by and I'll have to admit I had a little bit of a scowl on my face but more so again because of the fear of another round of Chinese firecrackers. But back to the matter at hand, I had a seat pretty far back, somewhere around 16 or something so I went up to the gate agent a I always do and handed the man my ticket. He quickly handed it back and said that he couldn't do anything. I'm thinking well I know the bulkhead is reserved for those in need but whatever, I guess I'm not really in any need. I of course like the bulkhead for the extra legroom but mostly I hate getting in the damn isle chair. I feel like Hannibal Lector being carted away for all eternity. There are so many damn straps and buckles it's frustrating. So usually, if they move me to the bulkhead we can skip all that non-sense and I can drag my way to the seventh or so row. So I decided after the oh so polite man rejected my chess style move and had walked away I'd try my hand at the lady. She said the same so the game was lost.
An hour or so later the flight is finally ready to board. I'm sitting maybe ten feet away from the gate counter so they don't forget. Once again, at no point did the women or man ask me if I needed any assistance or mention they had called one of the elf's so I sat while the entire plane was boarded. The only reason I agree with the whole first boarding deal is because I think it makes it faster for the rest of the passengers. If they get on the plane and are sitting there for any longer then ten minutes they start to rustle. A good fifteen minutes or so later the mean green finally show up and I get to take a wonderful ride down the lane in the isle chair. All the while feeling the eyes of the passengers thinking, "Oh fucking awesome, we were waiting for Him.
Arriving in Dallas, I sat for another ten or so minutes after all the other passengers emptied out. The flight attendants can't get off until I do and I know they are tired and anxious to get to the hotel so I'm rushing for them. After a few more minutes, I decided to just hit the floor and crawl my way out again. This time my chair was hiding behind one of those huge fat people chairs though so I sat there a minute or so before someone else saw where it was.
ORD mikeagimp rating: 3 out of 5
AA mikeagimp rating: 2 out of 5
My morning started bright and early promptly at 3:30AM. I of course had only been home a few hours and maybe slept an hour or two so I contemplated canceling the trip but I had no quick justification on hand. I toughed it out and got my ass in the shower. My sanctuary. Hot water soothes the soul, at least mine.
I got through security quickly because no one was there but of course I had to go through the ritual pat down. Fortunately this time I had a cool guy whom I spent the time looking at this gorgeous porn star looking girl. I mean damn she was hot and I only reserve such a word for a girl you stare at from a distance. Anyways, he got to check out her ass while she walked about but I couldn't see over the "privacy wall."
Once at the gate I took a seat in the row directly across from the counter. They were labeled in nice bold letters, "Reserved for passengers with a disability and their family." Normally I would avoid such a chair so as not to draw even further attention but it was fun watching people come over to sit down only to read the message, look confused and then walk away slowly. Of course they didn't even look at me. One lady finally bowed up and took a seat. I thought to myself, good for her. Granite she was fat. Do you see this repeat pattern of fat people thinking they are disabled? Anyways, I'm continually yawning and really out of it and the gate attendant walks over and hands me a ticket for first class, without saying word! How fucking sweet?! I love Northwest! I was able to roll right up to my seat without any tight squeezes or ever leaving my chair but to transfer.
DFW mikeagimp rating: 3 out of 5
NWA mikeagimp rating: 5 out of 5
I arrived in style via the Detroit Metro Car service. My driver was kick-ass, we spent the entire ride talking about sports and our random threesomes. Yeah his was with a white girl and a black girl on New Years! What a badass combo I said. What's cool about these Lincoln's is my entire chair, put together, can fit in the trunk. Which I guess probably isn't the best for my chair but eh, it's easier for them.
I was flying out of the Northwest terminal which is fairly new which is always bonus. I rolled in to see a nice line of folks waiting to check their bag. So I'm about to get in line when a ticket agent tells me to go back out to curb side for some reason (I was contemplating it so I'm glad she affirmed that for me). Bags checked, I'm ready to roll.
The line through security was on the verge of becoming long and I was looking for the trusty blue symbol for a "side" entrance but didn't see one. So I make a few turns through the winding isles only to reach the two girls who watch the "employee entrance." One of them opens the "seat belt" barrier and proceeds to call me sir. What the hell? I'm twenty three and I look seventeen but whatever, must have been the clothes. I was looking pretty damn sexah! She proceeds to tell me to come through there and I'm thinking sweet I get to skip, the golden ticket! But instead she tells me there isn't an elevator on this side and that I need to go down to the next security entrance. I was like well I've already waited in line here and I'm close so I'll just cut across once through but she tells me I can't. So I roll down to the next security entrance and I immediately see the trusty blue symbol but I couldn't tell if it wanted me to roll straight up to the door or if I had to get in line with the commoners. So I linger for a minute and finally the girl who checks your ticket called me over. I rolled right up! No one asked to help me with my laptop or anything which was awesome. I get my stuff all ready to go through only to sit at the door for about five minutes waiting for the always prompt "male assist." What the hell does that term mean actually? What is he assisting me with? He's the one who gets the free feel. I mean seriously, I feel like I deserve a tip sometimes.
Once through security I had to rush a little because boarding was in about forty five minutes. I hadn't taken a leak in a few hours because I went to use the restroom before I left my office but someone was in the only thrown. I never understand that ... what is it about the accessible stall that draws people in. It always intimidated me before. I thought who needs all this space? What could you possibly do with it? As a kid I figured that's where teenagers must have engaged in public sex. Now I know it's just the guy who ate something spicy at lunch and needs to brace himself against the rails. Back on track, the bathroom was nasty. The floor was covered in those thin paper liners which is why I love those built in seat condoms so well. They never end up on the floor. Usually it's just because some retard pulled out too many and one or two fell to the floor and god knows it's not going to get picked up. So that was discouraging because I always worry about my hands being dirty and of course I was carrying that germ gel shit but forgot to use it. Eh, what's one more UTI?!
Once at the gate I handed my ticket to the agent to see if a closer seat was available (yeah right I was hoping for first class again!). The nice dude said he'd see what he could do. Twenty or so minutes later he walks up, addresses me as Mr. Peters, a personal favorite of mine, and then hands me my ticket. First class bitches!
DTW mikeagimp rating: 3 out of 5
NWA mikeagimp rating: 5 out of 5
Conclusion
DFW needs to change all the doors on there accessible stalls so that the door opens out rather then in. They also should add the seat condoms.
AA needs to revisit their accessible seating policy. I don't know if they completely reserve the bulkhead and then assign to passengers at the gate or what but it's always 50/50 with the gate agents. They either just through hoops to move you there or they give you a blank stare and go back to being busy. They also always know that I'm coming because I get the call a few days prior to my flight so they can detail what assistance I need. So then why do we usually end up waiting for the green help?! What's the point of the call? It seems like a waste because the gate agent usually asks the same questions.
MLI is awesome with their clean bathrooms, big accessible stalls and friendly gate agents. The free WiFi was awesome too! Oh the carpet they had seemed to pull me to the left or the right. Their was also a pretty long incline to get up to one side of the gates. Without anything on my lap it' no big deal but with a heavy laptop or even backup it's getting there.
ORD needs to do a better job of signage in regards to where elevators are. I was completely lost.
DTW needs to beef up their already good signage. Maybe put something above the ticket counters or even better labels on the floor considering most of us are usually looking down for unsuspecting toes to roll over, or the occasional bump.